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The Road Goes Ever On And On
You've been summoned to escort duty as Abel bids farewell to some old friends. Cast * Sam Yao * Paula Cohen * Phil Cheeseman * Zoe Crick * Jack Holden * Eugene Woods Plot You'd Better Hurry Paula is waiting for you by the gates as the radio folk finish packing up their van. Phil realises he’s forgotten his atlas, so you hurry back to his room to fetch it. Clear A Path Eugene is relieved that the trip is still on what with all that’s happened, which causes Sam’s mood to darken. Eugene urges Sam to cut Jody some slack. Like, Right Now Phil loses control of the vehicle and gets stuck in the mud. Panicking, he revs the engine, which achieves little more than attracting a lot of undead attention. No Slacking With zoms distracted, and after establishing that one of the issues was that the van was stuck in reverse, the radio guys are back on track, albeit a little muddier. Cross The Bridges Sam directs you and Paula towards an old railway with two footbridges to pull a McShell manoeuvre and evade the zoms. Ninety-Nine Zoms The zoms plummet onto the tracks below. Eugene checks in to make sure you and Paula are OK and confirms that they are now safely on the highway. Transcript SAM YAO: Okie-dokie, then. Runner Five, Runner Twenty-three, how’s it looking? PAULA COHEN: I’m here, Sam. Waiting by the gates while they finish packing up the van. I think I see Runner Five coming up now. SAM YAO: Oh, God. Aren’t they done yet? Five, go over and see what the delay is, will you? Not that I want to see them leave, but some of us do have other jobs to be getting on with. JACK HOLDEN: Oh, come on, Janine, you know how important it is! JANINE DE LUCA: A barrel of rather toxic-smelling cider is hardly vital equipment, Jack. JACK HOLDEN: Yes, it is! This is supposed to be a morale-raising tour, remember? JANINE DE LUCA: Mister Holden - ! JACK HOLDEN: Our vital Ministry-mandated tour around the country in order to cheer up, checking on all the isolated communities out there - JANINE DE LUCA: - but - JACK HOLDEN: - and you know we raise morale better when we’re in good spirits ourselves. JANINE DE LUCA: Excuse me, Mister Holden - JACK HOLDEN: Plus, it’s Phil’s last batch! And who knows when he’ll have enough apples to make another one? JANINE DE LUCA: That’s quite beside the point. The additional weight will increase your fuel consumption, and while God knows morale is of vital importance now more than ever, that doesn’t mean you have unlimited resources at your disposal! And morale is not your only concern. You have vital connections to make. You’ll be gathering information from Tony, our contact in London, and relaying crucial data back to me. JACK HOLDEN: I don’t know. We’ve got this fancy van, all this top-of-the-line broadcast equipment, neck pillows – you really expect me to believe they can’t spring for a bit of extra fuel as well? JANINE DE LUCA: A bit of extra fuel? A bit? Have you done the maths, Mister Holden? With the additional weight, you’ll lose three miles per gallon. That’s an efficiency loss of almost ten percent! For cider. As acting Ministry liaison here at Abel, I simply cannot allow - ZOE CRICK: Hey, what’s going on back there? We’re losing light, guys! JACK HOLDEN: Nothing, just trying to make sure we don’t leave anything important behind. EUGENE WOODS: Is this about the cider again, Jack? I told you, we don’t need it. Leave it here, and they can throw us a decent farewell party. Just get in the damn van! JACK HOLDEN: Fine! Oh, hello, Five. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Five, great. I’ve just realized I’ve left the road atlas back in my room. Don’t suppose you could um, fetch it for me? I’d go myself, only I need to familiarize myself with the controls. ZOE CRICK: Oh, for the love of God. Go on, then, Five. And you’d better hurry, before Janine’s head actually explodes! PAULA COHEN: Alright, Sam. Five’s back with the atlas. Looks like we’re finally ready to get going. Just need the snipers in position, now. SAM YAO: Hallelujah! Right, Five and Twenty-three, you’ll be running point, clearing all the zombies out of the path with your noisemakers. I’ll just patch in the guys from the van while we wait. Okay, okay – on keyboard Convoy, can you hear me? EUGENE WOODS: Loud and clear, old buddy. SAM YAO: Eugene Woods, good to hear you. Uh, what’s your status? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Bloody cramped, is our status. Not bloody used to driving a bloody huge bloody van! ZOE CRICK: Stop rambling, Phil! We haven’t even set off yet and I’m already getting sick of it. EUGENE WOODS: We’re fine, Sam. Relieved the trip’s still on, with everything that’s happened recently. SAM YAO: Ugh, yeah. That’s why we had to get you off sharpish, before it all hits the fan. Well, I mean, even more than it’s already hit the fan, which is quite a lot. Everyone’s running around like headless chickens trying to locate that Comansys ship where Maxine’s being held, the Laetitia Greenwald. And everyone who isn’t being a headless chicken about that is being an even more headless chicken trying to clear up the mess Amelia left. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Still can’t believe she was a runner. ZOE CRICK: Only because you fancied her. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oi. I should have known she was up to no good when she started questioning my professional demeanor. EUGENE WOODS: You are the pinnacle of professionalism. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, sod off! EUGENE WOODS: laughs How’s Owen doing? SAM YAO: Recovering. Although I do wish someone would leave his bedside so I can go and see him. EUGENE WOODS: Aw, cut her some slack, Sam. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of. It’s a new world, a clean slate. Don’t lose a friend over this. SAM YAO: sighs Yeah, I know. I know! God, do you know, I hate it when you’re all grown-up and sensible and right. Anyway, looks like the snipers are in position. How are you guys doing? EUGENE WOODS: Ready when you are. SAM YAO: Alrighty then, here we go. Runners Five and Twenty-three, you ready? PAULA COHEN: Yes, Sam, we’re still ready. SAM YAO: Radio convoy, ready? EUGENE WOODS: We’re good to go, Sam. SAM YAO: Okay. Raise the gates! siren, gates raising Runners, off you go. PAULA COHEN: Come on, Five. Let’s clear a path for this lot, shall we? EUGENE WOODS: Godspeed, runners. SAM YAO: Noisemakers on, guys. ring Alright, looking good. The zoms along the road seem to have heard you. Head south, and you should clear a path for the van. Well, we haven’t got all day – run! ring SAM YAO: Okay, Five, Twenty-three, looking good out there. All the zoms are clear of the road. Deactivate your noisemakers and head on back. PAULA COHEN: Thanks, Sam. How are they getting on in the van? SAM YAO: Yeah, uh, hang on, let me uh, just patch it back in. on keyboard PHIL CHEESEMAN: All I’m saying is I’m not used to driving such a big van, and it would be nice if I could concentrate without your bloody feet in my back! JACK HOLDEN: I’d move them, Phil, but in case you haven’t noticed, there’s not much room back here. Why don’t you just adjust the seat? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh! Oh yeah, just adjust the seat, he says. Adjust the seat while I’m driving? While I’m trying to ensure we stay on the road, while we’re escaping from the bloody massive hordes of zombies behind us? Yeah, I’ll just adjust the seat. ZOE CRICK: For God’s sake, Phil, look out! PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh sh- splashes into pond ZOE CRICK: Brilliant. Just great. EUGENE WOODS: Phil, whatever you do, don’t – revs gun the engine. SAM YAO: Oh no. Oh no, no no no! Runners, the zoms are turning back towards the van. You have to get over there like, right now. Go! revs PHIL CHEESEMAN: Come on, come on, push! ZOE CRICK: We are pushing! PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, push harder! SAM YAO: There they are, guys, just up ahead. Looks like Jack and Zoe are trying to push the van clear. Okay, okay, let’s keep this simple. Uh, turn your noisemakers on, and try and draw the zoms away. ring Well, that’s it, yes! They’re following you. Head north now, across those fields. PHIL CHEESEMAN: God dammit! What is wrong with this bloody piece of… revs EUGENE WOODS: Uh, Phil. Phil! PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? What, Eugene? Kind of busy here. EUGENE WOODS: I think the van’s in reverse. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, what? ZOE CRICK: What?! JACK HOLDEN: You have got to be kidding me! PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry! Sorry sorry! Sorry! ZOE CRICK: Philip Cheeseman, I’m going to rip your stupid massive ears off, you total – push! revs JACK HOLDEN: Yes! SAM YAO: They’re away! Amazing job, guys. They’re – oh, well, they will be on their way, once uh, once Zoe and Jack get up from the mud, at least. That is uh – ugh, yeah, that looks messy. Anyway, you’ve still got that pack on your tail, so keep moving. Loop around to the north of Abel, and we’ll try and find somewhere to lose them. No slacking, now – move! SAM YAO: Okay, runners. Those zoms aren’t letting up, and we can’t let you turn those noisemakers off until the van’s clear, which, you know, will happen the second Phil figures out how to stop crunching the gears. Now, come on, Sam - think, think. PAULA COHEN: No rush, Sam! We’re having a great time out here, aren’t we, Five? SAM YAO: Come on, there has to be something! Um… ah! Yes! Okay, there’s an old railway bed a little to your east, and there are two footbridges running over it. PAULA COHEN: I think I see where this is going. SAM YAO: Runners, it’s time to pull a McShell. Paula, you take the closest bridge - PAULA COHEN: I’ve never done this before, Sam. Isn’t there a - ? SAM YAO: It’s the only way. You trust me, don’t you? PAULA COHEN: Yes, Sam. I trust you. You know I wouldn’t bring home a dented can of cocktail sausages in barbecue sauce to share with just anyone! SAM YAO: Yeah, and I wouldn’t get food poisoning from it with just anyone, either. Good. Now, Five, you’ll need to put on a burst of speed to get to the other bridge in time. You have to both cross the bridges at the same time or this won’t work. Now, you can do it, Five. Go! ring SAM YAO: You’re approaching the footbridge now, Five. Paula, start crossing your bridge – now! footsteps Yes, it’s working! Ah, they’re falling right onto the tracks. Great work, guys. Looks all clear now. Switch off those noisemakers and head on home. turn off PAULA COHEN: About time. Thought I was going to go deaf from that noise. SAM YAO: Well, it was that or get eaten. PAULA COHEN: We use that justification a lot, don’t we? static EUGENE WOODS: Abel Township, do you read? SAM YAO: Loud and clear, Eugene. EUGENE WOODS: Did the runners get away alright? SAM YAO: They’re fine, Gene, thanks. How are you doing? EUGENE WOODS: Good. Yeah. Little muddy, but we’re on the highway and uh, going well. ZOE CRICK: And Phil’s finally figured out which gear is which. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hey! I told you, I’ve never driven something this big before. EUGENE WOODS: Yeah, we’re making good time. Tell everyone at Abel bye from us, will you? SAM YAO: Sure. JACK HOLDEN: Oh, and tell Janine not to keep that cider to herself? SAM YAO: laughs Oh, don’t you worry about that, Jack. I’ve been eyeing that stuff since you brought it over from New Canton. EUGENE WOODS: Well uh, I guess this is goodbye, Sam. SAM YAO: We’ll miss you guys. EUGENE WOODS: You too, man. Listen to the show, eh? SAM YAO: Every day. And Gene? EUGENE WOODS: Yeah? SAM YAO: Stay safe out there. EUGENE WOODS: Will do. JACK HOLDEN: Alright everyone? Here we go. sings “Ninety-nine brain-eating zoms on the wall, ninety-nine brain-eating zoms! You shoot one down, a cheer goes around, ninety-eight bottles of - ” Oh, that’s – “flesh-eating zoms on the wall” passengers protest in the background “Ninety-seven – ninety-eight flesh-eating zoms…” Category:Mission Category:Season Three